When a couple stand before church leaders to get married, it is not two persons that we see, but six. There is the man he thinks he is, the man she thinks he is, and the man he really is. Then there is the woman she thinks she is, the woman he thinks she is, and the woman she really is. And the task of marriage is to try to figure out whom one has married.
Scripture says, “Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be” (1 John 3:2, KJV). In reality, you have married a mystery. And you promise to stay married, for better or worse, because it will take a lifetime to uncover those intricacies.
So, because the way elders conduct themselves at church should be a mirror image of the way they conduct themselves at home (see 1 Tim 3:5), here are seven critical words that Peter lays down with reference to the mission of marriage for elders:
MODEL
“Being examples (patterns and models of Christian living) to the flock” (1 Pet 5:3, AMPC). Somebody said character is who you are when no one is watching you. But as church leaders, people watch your every move. God has chosen you to be a model through which He can be a blessing to others—through your tragedies as well as your triumphs. Lucy and Denis Guernsey state, “Life in the sense of bonding and attachment, death in the sense of despair and hopelessness, burial in the sense of loss and grief, and resurrection in the sense of renewal and hope are normal in the course of a marriage. . . . There must be death and burial as well as life and resurrection. Real life demands it all.”1
INVEST
“Feed the flock of God which is among you, caring for her, not by force, but willingly; not for shameful lucre, but with willing desire” (1 Pet 5:2, JUB). As much as church is important, remember that your family is part of your flock. If you believe your marriage has value, invest in it. Dr. Willard Beecher tells how most people come to marriage believing it is a box full of goodies from which we extract all we need to make us happy. We can take from it as much as we want, and the box will somehow remain mysteriously full. Marriage is not a box full of goodies. Marriage, in reality, is an empty box. So put some smiles, compliments, love notes, restaurant dinners, and hotel reservations into the box. Do not expect to take out from the box what you did not put in.
SUBMIT
“Be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility” (1 Pet 5:5, NKJV). When people look at a believer’s relationship, they have a right to expect something different. Not a husband or wife imposing their will on the other, nor a father or mother striving to be boss and exercising spiritual abuse, but rather a man and a woman, equally made in the image of God, exercising dominion over the earth, not over one another (see Gen 1:28). Paul says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21, NIV). Both spouses exercise submission toward one another leadership toward the children, and obedience toward God. Ellen G. White states, “Parents standing as heads of families, priests of the household, as teachers and as governors, must . . . obey the highest Authority, and then as obedient children of God they can give the sincere, earnest, all-important education to their children.”2 Submission is not to our spouse’s wishes but to our spouse’s love.
SERVE
“Watch over them, though not because you have to. Instead, do it because you want to. . . . Do it because you really want to serve” (1 Pet 5:2, NIRV). Christian marriage is a union of loving service to others. “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom 12:10, ESV). Society spreads abroad the rumor that life owes us something. The truth is that life actually owes us nothing. We have no right to happiness; that’s a byproduct of love and service. Base your relationship not on what you can get but on what you can give. And when people say it doesn’t make sense for you to stay when love does not seem to be reciprocated, maintain that you will give love anyway, regardless, nevertheless. Theologian Elizabeth Achtemeier says, “The Christian faith often operates with a lack of evidence that seems ridiculous to the rest of the world. It often seems to contradict the plain facts with a foolhardy ‘nevertheless.’”3
INTENT
nd be careful [alert]!” (1 Pet 5:8, EXB). Recognize the reality that all around us, marriages are breaking up that had the same glorious beginning as yours. But your marriage does not have to end in ruins. Even when faced with incredible obstacles, discipline yourself to be intentional. It’s not about emotion; it’s about devotion. It’s not about feelings; it’s about faith. It’s not about the heart; it’s about the head. It’s not about passion; it’s about principle. It’s not about contentment; it’s about commitment. It’s not about happiness; it’s about holiness. It’s not about Hollywood; it’s about the Holy Word. “The way to renew a marriage doesn’t begin with a change of emotions, but with an act of will.”4
OPPOSE
“Fight against the devil. Be strong because you believe” (1 Pet 5:9, WE). Marriage is a battleground, but the players are not you and your spouse—they are you and temptation (Eph 6:12). The Ten Commandments basically cover the list. Fight off the temptation to lie, steal, cheat, or commit adultery. Then there are things in marriage that you have to fight for. Fight for each other’s happiness. Fight for each other’s reputation. Fight for those evenings together in your marriage. Your marriage is worth it. Your spouse is worth it. “Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes” (Neh 4:14, NIV).5
NEGOTIATE
“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (1 Pet 5:5, NKJV). Scripture calls us to negotiate, not dominate. When conflict rears its head in the home, don’t be hysterical or historical. “Be angry but do not sin” (Eph 4:26, RSV). Stay on one problem until you solve it. The more problems you bring up at one time, the less likelihood of solving any of them. And avoid dragging up old points of dispute. Some spouses are archaeologists and love digging up the past. Agree that if it’s more than six months old, then it’s inadmissible evidence. So, the six most important words to say in your marriage are: “I admit I made a mistake.” The five most important words: “You did a good job.” The four most important words: “What is your opinion?” The three most important words: “I forgive you.” The two most important words: “Thank you.” The most important word: “We.” The least important word: “I.”
A couple were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. When asked their secret, the wife said, “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook. I figured I could live with at least ten!” When asked which faults she had written down, she replied, “I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he did something that made me mad, I’d simply say to myself, ‘Lucky for him, it’s one of the ten!’”
Elders, you are people of promise. A marriage is created by the promises of two people who care enough to share. Your home will be kept together not because being married is so much fun but because two people dared to make and keep their promises. Your goal, your assignment, your mission— should you choose to accept it—is to keep your promise.
1 Lucy and Denis Guernsey, Real Life Marriage (Waco, TX: Word, 1987), 190.
2 Ellen G. White, Manuscript Releases (Silver Spring, MD: Ellen G. White Estate, 1990), 19:317.
3 Elizabeth Achtemeier, The Committed Marriage (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox, 1976), 23.
4 Bob and Cheryl Moeller, For Better, for Worse, for Keeps (Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah, 1994), 64.
5 See also Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2010).
Jeffrey O. Brown, PhD, is an associate secretary of the General Conference Ministerial Association, Silver Spring, Maryland, United States.
